When trivial problems become problems again

Diary entry from March 3rd, 2011:

"When trivial problems become problems again... If one day I could complain about things that currently only make me smile, then the world will be fine again!"

After my accident, I kept a diary and wrote down my thoughts. Today I'm very happy about it, because I can't really remember all the different emotional states at that time.

All I know is that I've been tested quite a few times.

My body was a complete mystery to me at first. Such a high degree of paraplegia changes everything. Not only that you suddenly can no longer move about 90% of your body. Many, far too many bodily functions are also affected. Suddenly you get a severe headache from one second to the next because you have to go to the toilet. Tingling in the cheeks when a shoe pinches. Or you start to sweat, although you really can't sweat when something hurts somewhere.

In addition, numerous hospital stays and operations, pain and setbacks sapped my strength. Physically and especially mentally.

For months my thoughts revolved around existential questions. “Will I always need help? Can I lead a fulfilling life with a diagnosis of paraplegia? Be loved? To be happy?"

Today I can interpret all the signs of my body, know what causes what, what I have to pay attention to and watch out for. I also have answers to all the questions I asked myself back then. Yes, I still need help today. But not nearly as much as it was back then. I lead a very fulfilling life. Be loved and be happy. Yes I am very happy.

And today I've reached the point where the world is right again. Because how I like to whine about bad weather, a pimple on my face or when the coffee is gone.

But there is something that I miss very much. It's the lightheartedness.

With a paraplegic, you have to think and pay attention to so many things. And even if you follow all the rules, you can never rely 100% on your body doing what you want it to. You have to be very patient with yourself and also with others. And a talent for organization. Spontaneity often becomes a foreign word. Also, my body often feels so incredibly heavy. And nerve pain is my daily companion.

I have a nice idea in my head:

Just get out of the wheelchair and walk across a meadow. So carefree and free. Feel the wet grass between your toes...

Because I wish for myself and all those affected that this idea will one day become reality, I support the Wings for Life foundation for spinal cord research from the bottom of my heart and with full conviction.

To what extent a cure for paraplegia will be possible in the near or distant future, no one can say with certainty. But every step forward and every new finding in this very complex field of research may one day make life easier for us.

All the best,


Tina Hötzendorfer
Tagged: Gedanken